Day 10 : Permission to Dissolve

Writing

Oct 15

I'm having some major what's the point? feelings today.

I woke up feeling angry and frustrated, and then sad. Nothing feels good or right, and I can't find anything to pin the discomfort to. My wrist hurts. It's already 4 p.m.

There are spider webs on my windowsill. The afternoon sun illuminates the delicate threads.

What's the point?

Maybe it's okay to not know today. I feel a little stuck, but I do know better than to try to force my way back to okay or good.

I feel sad. And there’s grief.

What's the point? is such a hard feeling because it's so close to giving up, or giving in, or not giving anything, and then dissolving into a numb and void puddle.

And maybe that’s just what I need today: permission to dissolve.

What if it was okay to give up and give in and surrender? What if instead of sinking into numbing, I could dissolve into everything? Get carried away with the current? Touch everything by no longer trying to touch anything?

And in the giving up and letting go, could I let that be where the dissolving happens?

I don’t know. I think I’m a little afraid. Or a lot afraid. I feel very sad, very tender, and tired, and lonely.

Maybe no one cares? and what’s the point? The thoughts sit so close to one another and feel like strong hands trying to pull me under, asking me to give up what I love because: who cares? and what’s the point?

But I feel other hands reach toward me. They seem further away and require more effort from me to reach toward them and grab hold. But they are strong, too. They wrap me in a different flavor of who cares?, the kind that sets you free, and a big dose of this is the point.

And if I let myself be held in that embrace, the tears come freely, as my protective shell softens.

And I dissolve NOT into a pointless nothingness, but into the embrace of everything, where what’s the point? becomes a pointless question, and who cares? turns to sand slipping through my fingertips.

In this embrace, I am whole, all parts are welcome. And I am not alone. I am connected to everything and everyone, in all directions.

And suddenly, the second arrow falls, as I stop resisting. I let the anger rise. I feel the swells of grief. I stop running from fear. I see them as the messengers they are, gifts of deeper understanding, if only I am brave enough to lean in with curiosity and listen for what’s below the surface, layer by layer.

In this embrace, I remember there’s really nothing wrong with these uncomfortable emotions, maybe everything is always dissolving in some way, and nothing lasts forever, after all.