Poem №018

Please understand
I tried to free you
From your suffering
I really did

With every smile
Each apology for the things
You said I did
In every elaborate gift
That was never enough
In all the ways I tried to be
What I thought
You thought perfect was

I tried to love you
Into loving yourself

But it turns out
That’s not how it works

And ultimately
To be anything for you
I’d first have to save
The only life I could save

I’d have to learn
To love myself
The way I tried so hard
To love you

Unconditionally
And with all my heart and soul.

Note: The line above that reads “The only life I could save” was inspired by a line in Mary Oliver’s poem The Journey, which I read daily for months while going through the tender and painful process of disentangling and healing from a lifelong co-dependent relationship. Mary’s poem was a lifeline, a return to myself, and a tether to the trust I was slowly but surely building within.